vkasahara
Tried natto; not a fan
Posts: 51 
CIR Experience: 1st year
Location: that place with the Lake and NOTHING ELSE
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Post by vkasahara on May 15, 2017 12:02:11 GMT 9
Hey guys, I'd like some advice about my slightly unique situation. I'm a direct-hire CIR for an international association, so my job doesn't have a 5-year time limit, and I could potentially work here the rest of my life, which is actually not such a bad prospect considering there aren't many other jobs out here in my neck of the inaka, and I can't leave this area because of my husband's work. My predecessor worked here for 8 years and was very entrenched in the organization, but finally left to work a corporate job with better pay. He still lives a few towns over and remains a member of the international association. Because he worked here so long and was a very charismatic guy, everyone (staff, volunteers, people from city hall and the local schools, etc) is still in touch with him and really love him, and honestly they still see him as the ~REAL~ CIR and me as just an inadequate substitute. I know it's unavoidable and have been trying to be graceful about the situation and slowly develop good relationships with people myself.
The problem is, I think that my predecessor, possibly unconsciously, doesn't want me to succeed in my job. I know he was conflicted about leaving, and some part of him seems to be hoping I crash and burn, to prove how he was the ultimate CIR or something. He's always sending me messages giving me unsolicited "advice" about everything I'm supposedly doing wrong. He claims that 'people' who he won't name tell him everything that's going on here, and that everyone is dissatisfied with how bad I am compared to him. He keeps saying that he's my 'biggest supporter' and that he's 'just trying to help me' but I'm well aware of my own weaknesses without him pointing them out to me. I am very suspicious that he's not as innocent as he claims and is actually actively gossiping about me with the members of the international society and city hall. With him breathing down my neck telling me how everyone's talking about how awkward, bad at keigo, bad at 'reading the air' and oblivious of Japanese manners/culture I am, I'm starting to really develop a complex about it and it's getting to the point where I have major anxiety about going to work and interacting with people. I'm getting paranoid about who's talking about me to him behind my back and am so worried that I might say or do the wrong thing (giving them even more to gossip about) that I've almost completely shut down and don't try speaking to anyone, and even when people talk to me only responding with the absolute minimum necessary. Of course this is really not helpful, since I need to get people to like me.
I would really like to tell him thanks but no thanks, I don't want your advice, so please ふck off; you left this job of your own free will, and now it's mine so let me do it. However I'm sure if I did that, his attacks towards me would escalate beyond just gossiping to actually trying to use his connections to get me fired. I don't think he specifically hates ME, probably he really just feels attached to the job and wants to micro-manage things so I don't mess anything up, but it's just making things difficult for me. I do feel bad about how ungrateful I'm sure I sound, but I'd like to hear if anyone here has experienced anything similar, and what you did to overcome it? At this point I've blocked him on LINE so I won't be getting his messages. I'm still really conflicted about how to interact with the people in the international society and city hall, though. I'm not a complete social pariah or anything, but I am a bit awkward, bad at 'reading the air' in ANY language, and although I'm pretty well versed on Japanese culture there are some parts of Japanese culture I just simply refuse to adapt to, but over-all I try to be as hulemdoly and agreeable as possible. I never had any problems at my previous job as an ALT. I worked in 4 different schools for 3 years and got along well with everyone, and even felt my coworkers really accepted me as one of them despite being foreign.
Anyways, hoping someone has some actual helpful advice for me... How do you break through the tatemae wall and build actual relationships with Japanese people?
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Post by marudate on May 15, 2017 12:37:16 GMT 9
This is a tricky situation to be in and I think you're right to be suspicious of his motives.
How are your relations with your actual supervisors? Do you ever see them after work? If not, could you schedule something? Dinner somewhere? I think you should chat with them privately about the transition post-super CIR and how you need to move beyond being compared to him and that you both have different strengths to offer. I think they appreciate sincerity about wanting to improve your performance and ask them to help you directly with that. Let them know ex-CIR is telling people there are negative rumors and that isn't helpful. You really want to establish great relationships with everyone and ask if they can help you with that.
I think your reaction is exactly the opposite of what you need to be doing. Closing down, getting paranoid and anxious will only create a self-fulfilling prophesy of failure. Perhaps view each day as a performance ("fake it till you make it"). You can pretend their is no predecessor, there are no rumors and you are confident that you can do your job better in some ways than he could. Sooner or later it stops being pretend and you start to become that person.
In the meantime I think you need to stand up to the predecessor. Thank him for helping you with the transition but let him know you are confident you can figure things out just as he did and you'll take it from here.
As a first CIR I haven't been in this position, but as someone who was very entrenched as the leader of an organization before I stepped down to come to Japan I wrestled with these issues from the other side. I've been wary of "founder's syndrome" (not letting go), and really tried to stay supportive but in deference to the needs of my successor. If she doesn't ask for help, I don't offer it.
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Post by marudate on May 15, 2017 13:58:19 GMT 9
Happy to chat by message too if it is helpful. Good luck!
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Post by popchyk~ on May 15, 2017 14:12:34 GMT 9
I don't have any helpful advice vkasahara (I think what marudate said sounds good), but just want to say that that sounds like a very tough situation and I hope things improve soon. (Also, in my opinion, it is completely out of order for him to be so passive aggressive and try to make you feel paranoid/upset by saying vague bollocks along the lines of ~people have been saying blahblahblah about you~. He's not a character in "Mean Girls", this is completely rude and uncalled for behaviour) |
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vkasahara
Tried natto; not a fan
Posts: 51
CIR Experience: 1st year
Location: that place with the Lake and NOTHING ELSE
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Post by vkasahara on May 15, 2017 15:49:33 GMT 9
Thanks for your support guys. popchyk~, he is Japanese-American and has been living in Japan almost half his life, so he has completely absorbed the best and worst characteristics of both cultures. He's had a hard time with the asian-foreigner thing, and has remarked to me how 'easy' I have it as a caucasian foreigner.  |
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kobebryantbeef
Straight outta Narita
massive gohoubi of kobe bryant beef injection
Posts: 11 
CIR Experience: 5th year
Location: Hyogo
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Post by kobebryantbeef on May 15, 2017 17:01:50 GMT 9
Sounds like your pred is suffering from an overdose of Kobe Bryant Beef Injection.
If he has a new job, why does he still have time to give you advice about his old job, and why does he care? He needs to move on and get a life. He could have stayed if he wanted to, he didn't. Just ignore any contact from him or if you absolutely must respond for some reason, be very brief and neutral -- "Ok" "Thanks" "Got it" "Thumbs up emoji."
I will say that it WILL take time for your co-workers to start appreciating you, and it will take time for them to stop comparing you to your pred. It's a slow and gradual process, but don't sweat it. It took around a year for a lot of people in my office (not direct division) to learn that I was a different person from my pred, and even have a different name!
I recommend asking people around you to have lunch together, it can be a few people at a time, or just one-on-one. Get to know your coworkers a bit more and they will slowly, but gradually open up to you.
My pred also left me a really long-winded and passive aggressive "Guide" about how things in the office are done that was half actual information and half rant, including personal attacks on other members of the office.
Anyway, take a deep breath. You won't be able to adapt to everyone and everything at once, it's a gradual process. Don't let someone who has no business with your business get you down.
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Shimanchu 2024
Well you can tell by the way I use my star I'm a woman's star, no time to star. Music loud and starring stars I been starred around, since I was star.
中年危機イン沖
Posts: 6,892
CIR Experience: ULTIMATE UNICORN (6th year)
Location: Okinawa
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Post by Shimanchu 2024 on May 16, 2017 14:22:47 GMT 9
Sounds like your pred is suffering from an overdose of Kobe Bryant Beef Injection. If he has a new job, why does he still have time to give you advice about his old job, and why does he care? He needs to move on and get a life. He could have stayed if he wanted to, he didn't. Just ignore any contact from him or if you absolutely must respond for some reason, be very brief and neutral -- "Ok" "Thanks" "Got it" "Thumbs up emoji." I will say that it WILL take time for your co-workers to start appreciating you, and it will take time for them to stop comparing you to your pred. It's a slow and gradual process, but don't sweat it. It took around a year for a lot of people in my office (not direct division) to learn that I was a different person from my pred, and even have a different name! I recommend asking people around you to have lunch together, it can be a few people at a time, or just one-on-one. Get to know your coworkers a bit more and they will slowly, but gradually open up to you. My pred also left me a really long-winded and passive aggressive "Guide" about how things in the office are done that was half actual information and half rant, including personal attacks on other members of the office. Anyway, take a deep breath. You won't be able to adapt to everyone and everything at once, it's a gradual process. Don't let someone who has no business with your business get you down.
Didn't take very long for people in my office to appreciate me after my pred, hue
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Post by shanshan310 on May 17, 2017 16:39:56 GMT 9
Oh man. Your situation is surprisingly not unique at all! I'm in a similar situation with my pred, who left despite not wanting to leave and was re-hired by the office in April to do, well event planning and I'm not sure what. Like you I've been getting lots of weird, passive-aggressive advice, plus the added bonus of 'people are saying I should re-take over some of the CIR roles because you're not good enough'. It's hard to be assertive because like you I think they might actually be mad enough to try and get me fired ;.; Any attempts to deescalate have just led to more advice-giving though. If you need a place to vent I'm here  |
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Post by Hokuto on May 18, 2017 13:45:46 GMT 9
Oh man. Your situation is surprisingly not unique at all! I'm in a similar situation with my pred, who left despite not wanting to leave and was re-hired by the office in April to do, well event planning and I'm not sure what. Like you I've been getting lots of weird, passive-aggressive advice, plus the added bonus of ' people are saying I should re-take over some of the CIR roles because you're not good enough'. It's hard to be assertive because like you I think they might actually be mad enough to try and get me fired ;.; Any attempts to deescalate have just led to more advice-giving though. If you need a place to vent I'm here BRUH that's rude af, how have you not fought them yet? |
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Post by shanshan310 on May 18, 2017 15:05:33 GMT 9
BRUH that's rude af, how have you not fought them yet?[/quote] hue. Honestly? They made some weird comments about how 'people had told her' my partner's visa was invalid and he was going to be deported (it's not and there's no way he could be) that made me think they were actually crazy and trying to start something. Steering well clear of drama for now, just to be safe. |
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Post by popchyk~ on May 18, 2017 15:11:32 GMT 9
That sounds like a nightmare. Are you a JET CIR?
.................oh God I really hope I'm not a nightmare predecessor. I was lucky to have a very kind and helpful predecessor :/
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Post by shanshan310 on May 18, 2017 15:56:31 GMT 9
Yeah I am. I dunno, I think it's probably pretty hard to be a bad pred unless you’re really trying… or leave the house full of junk I guess |
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Post by guest on May 25, 2017 10:52:33 GMT 9
If theoretically this pred was absorbing some of the work I was doing, who would be the best person to talk to? Not real keen on causing drama but also not real keen on having nothing to do.
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Nurkiras
Dead Stargod 
Nawty Bard
ycdn
Posts: 8,401
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Post by Nurkiras on May 25, 2017 14:00:29 GMT 9
People need to learn to let go of their jobs, why are there so many infantile "adults"...
I don't know if your situation allows it, but maybe try and do a new thing that he didn't do? Like for example I focus a lot on kouryuu-ing through music, which is a new aspect that I developed and that can't be compared to a predecessor. I know this may be useless advice for your situation, though.
I would focus on getting coworkers on your side. Be active about it! Chat with them, make personal connections, communicate well (HOURENSOU and all) and make a show of putting in a real effort. Make yourself accessible and make sure they know that you are aware of the gossip and dislike it - it is a depressing situation, but letting him get to you will only encourage more しｔ.
Also if they like you and see you are MAJIME then they will feel less inclined to talk しｔ and be complicit with the predecessor.
Sorry for the long post
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vkasahara
Tried natto; not a fan
Posts: 51
CIR Experience: 1st year
Location: that place with the Lake and NOTHING ELSE
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Post by vkasahara on May 26, 2017 10:11:07 GMT 9
People need to learn to let go of their jobs, why are there so many infantile "adults"... I don't know if your situation allows it, but maybe try and do a new thing that he didn't do? Like for example I focus a lot on kouryuu-ing through music, which is a new aspect that I developed and that can't be compared to a predecessor. I know this may be useless advice for your situation, though. I would focus on getting coworkers on your side. Be active about it! Chat with them, make personal connections, communicate well (HOURENSOU and all) and make a show of putting in a real effort. Make yourself accessible and make sure they know that you are aware of the gossip and dislike it - it is a depressing situation, but letting him get to you will only encourage more しｔ. Also if they like you and see you are MAJIME then they will feel less inclined to talk しｔ and be complicit with the predecessor. Sorry for the long post Thanks for all the advice Shiny! I especially think the 'do something new' idea is good. Things have been a lot better since I cut off all contact with him. |
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vkasahara
Tried natto; not a fan
Posts: 51
CIR Experience: 1st year
Location: that place with the Lake and NOTHING ELSE
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Post by vkasahara on May 26, 2017 10:12:46 GMT 9
Oh man. Your situation is surprisingly not unique at all! I'm in a similar situation with my pred, who left despite not wanting to leave and was re-hired by the office in April to do, well event planning and I'm not sure what. Like you I've been getting lots of weird, passive-aggressive advice, plus the added bonus of 'people are saying I should re-take over some of the CIR roles because you're not good enough'. It's hard to be assertive because like you I think they might actually be mad enough to try and get me fired ;.; Any attempts to deescalate have just led to more advice-giving though. If you need a place to vent I'm here OMG that's horrible! You have it even worse than me, at least my pred isn't physically around much because he's busy with a new job in a different city. Your pred sounds like a nightmare. Wtf makes her think your partner's visa is ANY business of hers??? |
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Post by marudate on Jul 14, 2017 11:17:39 GMT 9
How did these situations end up? I hope for the better
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Post by shanshan310 on Jul 19, 2017 11:25:12 GMT 9
I hope it got better for vkasahara >< because things have only gotten more bizarre on my end (said if I didn’t start treating her as my superior – she’s not, according to my supe – she would make sure ‘none of my life’s greatest dreams would ever come true’, continuing to gaslight me about my Japanese and also my English abilities, among other things). My supervisors and clair are in the loop now at least, and work is trying to make sure we don’t work together from here on out, but that’s starting to feel a bit frustratingly limiting in terms of what I’m doing at work. Guess we’ll see how it goes from here. Just trying to get on with the job.
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Post by shanshan310 on Jul 19, 2017 11:46:09 GMT 9
It really was hue. Diminished possibly only by the fact that she followed it up by saying it was because both her parents had PhDs so she had access to a higher social class than me or something. Which I didn’t realize was a thing we even had.
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Post by marudate on Jul 19, 2017 11:46:31 GMT 9
Wow, that's a JET who let the awesome power and responsibility go to their head. Let that be a lesson to any others who choose the dark side.
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Post by Sheepy on Jul 20, 2017 9:08:38 GMT 9
That's just a びtch, and if it were me, the second it hit TEIZI I would let her know how big of one she is.
Like I wouldn't say it in a vicious tone or anything, but I would just calmly let her know that and inform her that it is quite pathetic of her to try and come after your own job and goals. Also, if she has to rely on her parents' accomplishments as an excuse for her own "social standing", then I would also say something along the lines of "wow, it must be hard to not have any accomplishments of your own to claim and have to rely on other people's achievements."
Also, regardless of any social standing or whatever BS she is saying, you both are doing the same job so obviously that しｔ really didn't matter to begin with because you guys ultimately ended up in the same position anyway. c:
I have ZERO tolerance for these type of people.
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Post by popchyk~ on Jul 20, 2017 15:35:39 GMT 9
I am morbidly curious about this situation, if only because vowing to make sure none of your life’s greatest dreams would ever come true is the most absurdly, cartoon-villainously over the top thing to say. Lmao exactly. Are they auditioning to play Cersei on Game of Thrones? |
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Mumblesnore
Dead Stargod
’Tis the season (for Eggnog)
Posts: 16,154
CIR Experience: Former CIR
Location: Tokyo
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Post by Mumblesnore on Jul 20, 2017 15:41:56 GMT 9
I am morbidly curious about this situation, if only because vowing to make sure none of your life’s greatest dreams would ever come true is the most absurdly, cartoon-villainously over the top thing to say. Lmao exactly. Are they auditioning to play Cersei on Game of Thrones? I was thinking more like |
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Post by popchyk~ on Jul 20, 2017 15:47:55 GMT 9
Miranda Priestly said hilariously cutting and often witty insults, though. Whereas Shanshan's pred just sound a bit... well, I don't want to say "delusional", but telling a colleague you don't get on with that you can destroy their dreams because your parents have PHDs ...sounds slightly err........ weird.
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Mumblesnore
Dead Stargod
’Tis the season (for Eggnog)
Posts: 16,154
CIR Experience: Former CIR
Location: Tokyo
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Post by Mumblesnore on Jul 20, 2017 15:50:09 GMT 9
Miranda Priestly said hilariously cutting and often witty insults, though. Whereas Shanshan's pred just sound a bit... well, I don't want to say delusional, but telling a colleague you don't get on with that you can destroy their dreams because your parents have PHDs? ...sounds slightly err........ weird. I just had a jdg imaging someone actually phrasing it that way. "I can destroy your dreams because my parents have PHDs, hahahahah!" *swirls cape and leaves* |
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Post by popchyk~ on Jul 20, 2017 15:51:00 GMT 9
My parents also have PHDs but they never told me that it conferred upon me the power of dream destroying.
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Post by ザ・penguin54 on Jul 20, 2017 16:50:33 GMT 9
That person arguing with their mother
"Young woman, your father and I didn't spend all that time and money in grad school for you not to destroy anyone's dreams!"
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Post by marudate on Jul 21, 2017 8:43:07 GMT 9
My father pledged never to use the great powers of the PhD for evil.
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Mumblesnore
Dead Stargod
’Tis the season (for Eggnog)
Posts: 16,154
CIR Experience: Former CIR
Location: Tokyo
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Post by Mumblesnore on Jul 21, 2017 8:47:00 GMT 9
My parents also have PHDs but they never told me that it conferred upon me the power of dream destroying. How rude of them |
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Post by Hokuto on Jul 21, 2017 14:18:00 GMT 9
That person arguing with their mother "Young woman, your father and I didn't spend all that time and money in grad school for you not to destroy anyone's dreams!" wtf JDG hahahahaha |
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